It was recently discovered that Marilyn Monroe has a sex tape, keeping the original blond bombshell competitive as a sex symbol. For unknown reasons, the news has taken its toll on me. I feel cheated, wronged, lied to. But devious at the same time. Thrilled and …aroused? Not quite. Curious? Absolutely.
According to reporsts (I haven't had the pleasure of seeing it) the tape is fifteen minutes long and shows Marilyn on her knees, giving head to a man whose face is conveniently just out of the frame. It’s not clear whether he finishes or not. The footage was taken allegedly before her starlet peak and has been in possession of the FBI since the mid sixties at least. J. Edgar Hoover tried his best to prove it was a Kennedy dick she was sucking, but had no success. Joe DiMaggio knew of it and tried to buy the thing (he probably wanted to conduct his own investigation into whose dick it was). He too was unsuccessful. At some point, some joker made a copy and that was recently auctioned off for a million and a half dollars. The FBI still has its copy. All of this makes me mad.
What really cheeses me off about the Marilyn sex tape is that for more than four decades, this top level government agents’ boys club has been passing the goddamn thing around like “Mother’s Pride,” the first porno I ever saw, that my brother’s friend Chris stole from his step dad, that my brother stole from Chris, that I stole from my brother, that I loaned out to all of my friends until one day some friend stole it out of my locker and threw it in a dumpster. You know these goddamn feds have been like middle school boys in a locker room, sliding torn out nudie pictures to each other, holing up in some hotel with a projector jerking off to Marilyn, or secretly fanticizing that it's John Kennedy’s dick. I can’t prove any of this, except with logic and reason and experience. Chances are if your buddy has some goldmine porn you know about it, if you haven’t seen it already. And Marilyn porn?! That’s like having a four-way with a bridal party and keeping it a secret. Guys just don’t work that way. Sorry ladies, it’s true. We know what you said and what position you were in when you said it.
My own indignance aside, there’s something much larger at work here. How coincidental is this discovery of the Marilyn tape? How is it that after 46 years, Marilyn is competing with Paris and Britney and Lyndsay and at least one girl from every season of every reality TV show for status as ‘scandolous sex symbol of the week’? My red flags are rising.
I am not questioning the tape’s legitimacy. I’m just skeptical of the timing. Why now are sex tapes suddenly so popular, and why now – at the peak of their popularity – is the Marilyn tape leaving the good ol’ boys network and coming into public knowledge?
According to reporsts (I haven't had the pleasure of seeing it) the tape is fifteen minutes long and shows Marilyn on her knees, giving head to a man whose face is conveniently just out of the frame. It’s not clear whether he finishes or not. The footage was taken allegedly before her starlet peak and has been in possession of the FBI since the mid sixties at least. J. Edgar Hoover tried his best to prove it was a Kennedy dick she was sucking, but had no success. Joe DiMaggio knew of it and tried to buy the thing (he probably wanted to conduct his own investigation into whose dick it was). He too was unsuccessful. At some point, some joker made a copy and that was recently auctioned off for a million and a half dollars. The FBI still has its copy. All of this makes me mad.
What really cheeses me off about the Marilyn sex tape is that for more than four decades, this top level government agents’ boys club has been passing the goddamn thing around like “Mother’s Pride,” the first porno I ever saw, that my brother’s friend Chris stole from his step dad, that my brother stole from Chris, that I stole from my brother, that I loaned out to all of my friends until one day some friend stole it out of my locker and threw it in a dumpster. You know these goddamn feds have been like middle school boys in a locker room, sliding torn out nudie pictures to each other, holing up in some hotel with a projector jerking off to Marilyn, or secretly fanticizing that it's John Kennedy’s dick. I can’t prove any of this, except with logic and reason and experience. Chances are if your buddy has some goldmine porn you know about it, if you haven’t seen it already. And Marilyn porn?! That’s like having a four-way with a bridal party and keeping it a secret. Guys just don’t work that way. Sorry ladies, it’s true. We know what you said and what position you were in when you said it.
My own indignance aside, there’s something much larger at work here. How coincidental is this discovery of the Marilyn tape? How is it that after 46 years, Marilyn is competing with Paris and Britney and Lyndsay and at least one girl from every season of every reality TV show for status as ‘scandolous sex symbol of the week’? My red flags are rising.
I am not questioning the tape’s legitimacy. I’m just skeptical of the timing. Why now are sex tapes suddenly so popular, and why now – at the peak of their popularity – is the Marilyn tape leaving the good ol’ boys network and coming into public knowledge?
(As an aside, we can no longer say Paris Hilton is famous for nothing, she’s famous for bringing the sex tape into the limelight as a new medium. Aren’t they hardly scandalous anymore? Doesn’t America wait for the next big one? We love celebrities, live with them. Watch them through pregnancy, birth, parties, drug battles, career ups and downs, shopping, weddings, breakups, work. Their whole life is accessible. Except for the one part we’ve never had access to, the one we are most curious about – how they fuck! How they are at their most genuine and vulnerable. So we can see, just like us they aren’t glamorous or extraordinary. They are us too, they fuck, moan, look beautiful and awkward naked. And Paris, with her fake diamond tiara, granted us this wish)
Yes, I am skeptical. I feel like I should be watching my back for a marketing ploy: a new bio pic or a Marilyn line of lingerie or condoms or breath mints or something.
But, then there is this: The man who bought the tape kept anonymous and promises only to lock the footage up “out of respect for Marilyn.” What a sweet fellow. This has lead to a quick-spreading web of conspiracy theories on the Internet. However, we can use what we know to limit our pool of potential buyers.
First, the buyer was identified as a man. Second, the tape cost $1.5 million dollars and he’s getting no return on his investment, so he’s reasonably wealthy (honesty, I think this is a steal. Not just Marilyn naked, this is Marilyn sucking dick on film when porn was a luxery! Honestly, who made home sex tapes with that bulky, awkward reel to reel? … This I worth looking into). Third, we can assume he’s white because no brother or sister or amigo or amiga I have ever met has ever expressed an ounce of concern about who the fuck Marilyn Monroe was. So, I have whittled it down to three potential buyers: 1. It was George W. Bush, in which case he’ll spend the remainder of his term locked up in the oval office manically masturbating to the thing like a deranged caged monkey at the zoo. 2. It was a gay man who wishes he would have written “Some Like it Hot” and thinks Marilyn is just “totally fabulous” in it. 3. Hugh Hefner.
Hugh is a popular one for many. And it makes sense. After all, the FBI confirms the footage was taken before Marilyn achieved stardom (maybe she really did suck her way to the top?). Take into account that Playboy essentially discovered Marilyn, or perhaps vice versa; she was the first Playboy Playmate, launching Hef’s career as hers was just coming into full swing. Back in those days, Hugh was still a looker. Picture it: They courted, she stole his heart, but he was too late when he realized it. Marilyn was swept into a life bigger than her own. And the only man more powerful and unattainable than Hugh Heffner is the President. And JFK at that. So, Hef loses her, the only woman he ever actually loved and he watched her get destroyed by the machine. Nothing he could do about it. So, where do we find him then? The king of the pussy world … with seven blond bombshell girlfriends at all times, owning the burial plot next to Marilyn. Not unreasonable. How romantic, how poetic would it be if the original pimp daddy himself has held his flame for more than 60 years, pacifying his longing with parties and celebrities, and seven women to fulfill his unquenchable love. And here, he buys up her one and only pornographic slip to protect her honor … or, perhaps to re-live the paradise memory of Marilyn blowing him.
And the choice to stay anonymous? Of course! Who wants that burden on their back? Life is hard enough when you’ve got something cool, like a new car or a hot girlfriend, or good dope or something as simple as HBO. Your buddies are already calling you for all sorts of bullshit reasons to use your stuff. Imagine being the king of the porn world and owning the Marilyn sex tape … it’d be a nightmare.
All we can do for now is speculate and wait for a third copy to appear and leak online. Until then, I’m holding out for the future and waiting for the video game.
But, then there is this: The man who bought the tape kept anonymous and promises only to lock the footage up “out of respect for Marilyn.” What a sweet fellow. This has lead to a quick-spreading web of conspiracy theories on the Internet. However, we can use what we know to limit our pool of potential buyers.
First, the buyer was identified as a man. Second, the tape cost $1.5 million dollars and he’s getting no return on his investment, so he’s reasonably wealthy (honesty, I think this is a steal. Not just Marilyn naked, this is Marilyn sucking dick on film when porn was a luxery! Honestly, who made home sex tapes with that bulky, awkward reel to reel? … This I worth looking into). Third, we can assume he’s white because no brother or sister or amigo or amiga I have ever met has ever expressed an ounce of concern about who the fuck Marilyn Monroe was. So, I have whittled it down to three potential buyers: 1. It was George W. Bush, in which case he’ll spend the remainder of his term locked up in the oval office manically masturbating to the thing like a deranged caged monkey at the zoo. 2. It was a gay man who wishes he would have written “Some Like it Hot” and thinks Marilyn is just “totally fabulous” in it. 3. Hugh Hefner.
Hugh is a popular one for many. And it makes sense. After all, the FBI confirms the footage was taken before Marilyn achieved stardom (maybe she really did suck her way to the top?). Take into account that Playboy essentially discovered Marilyn, or perhaps vice versa; she was the first Playboy Playmate, launching Hef’s career as hers was just coming into full swing. Back in those days, Hugh was still a looker. Picture it: They courted, she stole his heart, but he was too late when he realized it. Marilyn was swept into a life bigger than her own. And the only man more powerful and unattainable than Hugh Heffner is the President. And JFK at that. So, Hef loses her, the only woman he ever actually loved and he watched her get destroyed by the machine. Nothing he could do about it. So, where do we find him then? The king of the pussy world … with seven blond bombshell girlfriends at all times, owning the burial plot next to Marilyn. Not unreasonable. How romantic, how poetic would it be if the original pimp daddy himself has held his flame for more than 60 years, pacifying his longing with parties and celebrities, and seven women to fulfill his unquenchable love. And here, he buys up her one and only pornographic slip to protect her honor … or, perhaps to re-live the paradise memory of Marilyn blowing him.
And the choice to stay anonymous? Of course! Who wants that burden on their back? Life is hard enough when you’ve got something cool, like a new car or a hot girlfriend, or good dope or something as simple as HBO. Your buddies are already calling you for all sorts of bullshit reasons to use your stuff. Imagine being the king of the porn world and owning the Marilyn sex tape … it’d be a nightmare.
All we can do for now is speculate and wait for a third copy to appear and leak online. Until then, I’m holding out for the future and waiting for the video game.
